Writing, Mental Health, and Why...
I'm pissed off.
I’m going to get the credentials out of the way first and foremost. Think of this like…A coming out of sorts. Or, maybe a homecoming.
I’ve felt, recently, a lot of folks have underestimated my abilities… But really, it may have just been me projecting.
Regardless, I’m tired (I’ll share more on this later). I’m elated (also see below 👀), and… I’m pissed off (🔥).
RECHANNELING RAGE.
So, this is a post for both of us. Because some of us, it seems, have forgotten that anger is just like any other emotion and you really shouldn’t underestimate an only child born in rural middle America.
Let’s start with a timeline of my educational and work history:
As a kid and teenager, I worked in a computer shop, two pizza joints, a dollar store, and a hotel. I’m sure I did something else in there too. I did extras as I could at school. I was in two plays, was the murderer/villain in a dinner theatre show, etc… Suffice it to say, I was busy.
Most of my achievements in high school were forgotten because I had pulled myself up from a C, D, & F student to an A&B student, but my GPA was still just under 3.0. Some colleges wouldn’t even look at my application without a 3.0.
College was a stop-and-start affair, but I loved every second once I got to Alverno College. I wasted not one single opportunity, now that I’m reflecting. I worked two jobs, and two internships, was a conversation partner for exchange students, and tutored in macroeconomics. I was busy. Again? Still? Who knows.
Then came my first attempt to enter the workforce. Had a lovely time. General ups and downs. Learned how to be single in a city. Learned how to love more than one person at once. But I wanted to write, which reminds me…
I received a scholarship in high school, and was planning to go to a local private college, but I didn’t know how to do that so instead I moved to Canada and got married.
Look. I know. And yes. If you’re exhausted reading this, I’m just as exhausted typing it. 😮💨
Then came the Grad School Years, which also had its starts and stops but I learned lots going to college, including how to navigate the higher education environment from my previous experiences and I passed that knowledge on to a few mentees who I remain in contact with still.
Sidenote here: A conversation with my grandpa that still makes me tear up. “Eh, I’m just teaching them how to, like, find their way in the system.” “I don’t care if you were teaching them how to tie their shoelaces. You’re teaching.” I miss my grandpa. I’m excited to see him soon.
So, I wrote a thesis about creativity and tarot and I shared it with no one.1 It’s about coming home and it’s a weird collection of poems that is also a tarot deck, sorta. Even my advisor questioned it (hi, Ted, if you’re reading this!). Look. I am what am and I ain’t hurtin’ no one.🧹
And I suppose this is where I should STOP BEFORE WE ALL GET OVERWHELMED.
Let’s breathe. Here’s a nice little moment for yourself:
YOU SAID THIS WAS ABOUT RAGE?
Yeah, I did. But chill for a second. I also said it’s about rechanneling rage.
An important distinction, yeah? Yeah.
Okay, moving on…
I’m pissed off because I feel even with all my merits, I continue to receive body language from my family and friends as if they don’t know me.
And that is heartbreaking.
So, this is my attempt to get to know you better by sharing more about me. That is how I’m choosing to rechannel my rage in this moment.
💌I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT THE AFFIRMATIONS ARE WORKING.
I’m doing The Artist’s Way and it is kicking my ass.
No one warned me, so I’ll warn you:
It takes itself seriously when it says it is a “Spiritual Path”. So, to anyone close to me: I’m about to get annoying about things like stars and star signs. I’m sort of sorry but not really. I’ve been like this since I was 13.
📻Another short break…
I’ve been thinking about offering something called “Tea Time”.
THE IDEA: Two times a month, I’ll be available for an hour via a group chat situation here on Substack. It would have to be a paid subscription because my calendar is quite full. But, I would keep the price reasonable at whatever the minimum monthly sub-fee Substack recommends.
Since you’ll be the ones most affected by this change, what do you think?
🎓LEARNING TO BE AN ACADEMIC AGAIN.
I easily forget that I am a scholar. Does that happen to any of you, by chance? I’ve been so busy building a business and not really telling anyone about it, that I accidentally isolated myself in work.
I’m sorry, by the way. I think it hurt a lot of my close friendships. That wasn’t the intent. I hope we can catch up again soon.
However, I suppose the good thing about working for awesome folks is that their genius tends to rub off on you without you noticing. Anyway, here’s a LinkedIn update on the librarian stuff for those who want to know more.
Hey, I may be hypomanic sometimes but I can get shit done… I guess? Hm. 🤔
A PROPER HOMECOMING. Finally.
Our homecoming to Indiana has been quite… Blissful. Except for some very noisy neighbors in a very friendly community. We’re trying our best to be as active there as we can but work gets busy and it’s hard to concentrate with all the noise. For what it’s worth, I haven’t found a single bed bug or cockroach.
It’s almost like our neighbors don’t want to live with those things either, I suppose.
Anyway, the list of blessings or whatever you’d like to call them at this point is immense, but the biggest highlights have been:
County fair with my goddaughter and close found family. (If I saw you and didn’t say hello, it’s because I have face blindness. I’m not trying to be rude. Also, I’m a very shy bean. You know this. We all went to school together.)
Reconnecting with our found and biological families. Recent family events have really brought our little weirdo clan back together in odd ways. We’re not fully healed yet, but the stitches seem to be taking.
Finding a home in Holy Cross. No, I didn’t go back to Catholicism (but ask my uncle about it sometime… He and I have been having theological conversations since I was a teenager. He’s the reason I deconstructed The DaVinci Code in high school, by the way. So, thank him for most of this newsletter-writing nonsense.)
TO WITCHES, ABROAD. 💼🧹
Part of my mental health journey has been a lot of reflection lately. Since 2022, I’ve received several diagnoses that I discussed in this Instagram post. I don’t have the energy to rehash them all here at the moment, but just know I’m no longer being quiet about my mental health.
If this is triggering for you PLEASE say something! I don’t want to be triggered as much as I don’t want to trigger you, okay?
And, as far as protecting my time and energy? I got this babe.
“What’s all this about witch, though?” I hear you saying.
No, I’m not crazy. The title/term “witch” simply helps me connect with my identity and spirituality more and in healthier/better ways overall. Always happy to answer questions, my friends, as my energy allows.
WHERE IN THE WORLD…?
I know I hop around a lot. I’m getting tired of it too. The stability we’ve found in Indianapolis will mean that my schedule should smooth out after grad school restarts for me. For now, here are the upcoming dates of things and where I’ll be hanging about should you want to say hello sometime:
Catch me at the library and public parks around Indianapolis this October. I’ll be working quietly in public and invite you to join me… But in secret. Let no one know we are working on the books they will want to ban. If you do get courageous and decide to approach, please know I startle easily and I like peanut M&Ms.
November and December are planned to be complete holiday blurs. It’s the first time in a long time that I’m looking forward to a proper Midwest “wintering”.
I want a quiet and loving New Year this year because I deserve some deep, restorative rest after the past… *counts* life.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we’re all tired. Let’s fucking rest today.
FIELD & WEATHER REPORT.
🌪️WE ARE HAVING FUN AND BEING SILLY BUT IT IS HECKIN’ WIMDY SOMETIMES IN WINNIPEG.
🐭The artist informally known as Only Mouse is very ouchie and would like the moon to just be new already, pretty please.
💼I’m also getting reports of a new business venture on the horizon. More later.
A MOMENT OF GRATITUDE.
Hi. I am feeling very accomplished lately. Like I’ve set out to do everything I intended to do… And I’m only 36. I’m very nervous about a career change so young because, I mean… What do you think of when you think of a librarian? Probably not this:
…Or maybe it is? Regardless, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, the person reading this newsletter on Monday, September 2, 2024. I hope you find some fruits of your labors in the simple things today, friends and family.
Be well. I’ll be sharing more resources again soon. Pinky promise.
PS: If your child asks you to go to therapy with them, I don’t advise responding with outright refusal from the get-go after a period of long tension between the two of you. I’m not a parent, but I am a godparent. So, I’m learning just as much as anyone else. Don’t be shy to talk about kiddos around me just because I’m child-free, okay? They’re the future and stuff, right? I’d like them to like us when we’re older. (Didn’t South Park do this episode already?)
PPS: Still worried? My therapist recommended I write my story the best way I know how. This is my (first) attempt. If it isn’t your thing, if you’re feeling jealous, if you’re feeling dysregulated, shortness of breath, etc… Here is another pause we can take, together:
or if you’re just a hater… Idk what to tell you. Die mad?
https://orbiscascade-washington.primo.exlibrisgroup.com/permalink/01ALLIANCE_UW/db578v/cdi_proquest_journals_2086368823
Very well put together and love the little behind the scenes stuff!!